December 13, 2006

2006: RXolondon

Like any year in music, in 2006 someone had to have a bad day. Here are some artists who either offended me or just didn't move me like they should. Being a polite sort, I not only bring the problems to light, but also offer solutions!

Janet Jackson: Cancel your tour and have / adopt a baby from an African country. Wear cashmere sweaters with a shirt underneath. Release a double CD hits record next fall with 3 killer new tracks, two by Jam & Lewis and one by someone else worthy, but not another Jackson. Ban your little dog Jermaine from tinkering with your career. Sing about social issues and support Barack - that's Barack, not bareback! - in 2008. Come back after he wins.

Keane: Do not release Bad Dream. Release Frog Prince with two brilliant new b-sides, one being a cover of Ultravox's Reap The Wild Wind. Tour in the Spring to prove Tom is healthy and that you are not fighting, but do not spend a year touring an album that's only half good. Take a decent break and record a perfect new album - use a little bit of real guitar and some strings. Simple!

Scissor Sisters: Release Everybody Wants The Same Thing and give it some great remixes. Do proper video with Sophie Muller - one with no actors playing parts. Appear on Jo Whiley to sing a cover of Wanna Be Startin' Something. Do a few songs for the next CD using funny voices and dialog. Re-record / release Backwoods Discotheque.

Robbie Williams: Go away. For a long time. And not to LA. or London. And then come back in '08 with a ten song pop album, perhaps a full CD with Mark Ronson. Make sure it has some beats and some strings. Make sure it is not schizophrenic: no one knows who you are anymore, though I doubt you do either.

The Killers: Muzzle Brandon now, but first shave his beard. Force him, Clockwork Orange style, to view clips of a boastful Kanye West and then show him Powerpoint slides on Kanye's declining sales. Chill on the loud guitar and Americana Bruce-isms. Bring back the new wave. (Note: if you didn't like Sam's Town, this is the CD you want)


torr said...

come on now, Keane's latest album is more than half good. And while I also don't agree with them releasing "A Bad Dream", I think "Leaving So Soon" is the one getting the shaft.

I totally agree on The Killers though! And that xmas song of theirs is simply awful.

Jason said...

My changes:

Janet: Go the fuck away, forever.

Keane: Tom, lose the Neil Diamond poses in concert

Scissor Sisters: Work with Kylie more

Robbie Williams: Agreed. Come back with a record like "Sing When You're Winning"

Killers: Amen. Bring back the 'wave. Lose the 'tude. Move to Europe, live there for a while, then record your next record. Get the hell out of Vegas.

xolondon said...

Actually Torr, Leaving So Soon is my favorite song on the CD, I just wasn't sure about it as a single. It does have some nice ahhhhhhhs on it! But sorry, I only like half that CD- the disappointment is that it's not transcendant. Of course, NOW we know there was indeed trouble making it.

Chris, good point about Scissors and Kylie. Dance music!

D'luv said...

You're in the wrong career, XO! I think you've found your calling.

Couple things:

Janet Jackson - Retire. She's had a surprisingly great run for someone who can barely sing and has zero soul. She should just bow out.

Keane - I actually love "Bad Dream," and I thought their second CD was equally as good as the first.

Scissor Sisters - I want "Lights" as a single, and TOTALLY agree about working with Kylie, but that would benefit her more than them, since it's unlikely she'd craft tunes for them.

Robbie Williams - His ego was perhaps charming to a handful of the world's population at the onset of his career, but no one cares anymore. He should just retire with Janet.

Killers - AGREED, with both XO and Chris, but I disagree about "A Great Big Sled." I think it's the best thing to come from them since the first album. Brandon needs to stop being so obvious about his ever-changing influences, as it just highlights the fact that he's a sponge without much substance of his own. Some of the lyrics on Sam's Town are embarrassing, especially all the forced Americana. And, Brando, next time you diss Green Day, you're getting my boot shoved up your ass.

John said...

Cheers on the Delays - I adore that album...yay, Trevor Horn!

trill42 said...

I like Under the Iron Sea a bit more than you do, xo, but I agree it's not transcendent and I wish it was more so... And I like "A Bad Dream", but I prefer "Let It Slide", which they used as a B-side and didn't put on the album (except in Japan). I think it should have been on the album and would have made a good single. Like the idea of a lighter, less intense tour schedule, and then a -perfect- new album. :)

Agree with Chris and Jason - Janet Jackson should retire forever.

Agree about The Killers. And with Torr about that Christmas song... I like a couple moments in it, but then it just goes to pieces and to make matters worse, it won't end. It's too jumbled; there's about three songs scrambled together in there.

The Richard said...

re: A Great Big Sled

I can't help feeling that The Killers only did it because Bruuuuuce did 'Santa Claus is Coming To Town', and if he can do a Christmas song then it's okaaaaay, man.

re: the Scissters

Agree with D'luv - it's got to be 'Lights' next

Paul said...

Janet - past caring about now (ditto Mimi; whitney etc)

Keane - i'm glad you found the album at least half good. I detest most of it to be honest. Anything different would be good please.

Scissters - Lights would be a great single and the enthusiasm with which they attack it live suggests it may be. I still love I Can't Decide tho. And while Land... may have bombed it was my second most played song last week. I feel i have the accurate British countdown ;)

Robbie - god i love this guy, but the Rudebox cd? Its like some of the drawings my mental health patients do. Incoherent, slightly rambling with flashes of genius. Yes wasn't he meant to having a break after greatest hits then we get two substandard albums within a year. Sigh. Its more important than ever for him to come back with quality tunes thanks to Take That now appealing to people outside the nostalgia fans...

Killers - see i love Sam's Town and am rather disgusted with myself for being attracted to Brandon with that dodgy tache. Reminds me of an "experience" in my distant past. Great Big Sled is aces (but i'm a lot more tolerant of seasonal music than i am of other tracks - if Keane released is it any wonder as is it any (winter) wonder(land) i would probably love it) and i think next single with PSB remixes will be aces.

Phew. Ace post

countpopula said...

My thoughts...I think you're pretty spot on XO. Don't really think Janet should go away forever...if there were more songs out like Enjoy, I think I'd feel better. Keane & Scissors were two of my most anticipated CDs of the year, and both failed to deliver on the whole. It's crazy when I found the Snow Patrol album to be better than Keane (America agreed). Killers deffo overreached with the Bruceisms, and I just heard some clips from the new Bloc Party--maybe that's what the Killers should've tried--more mid-80's New Order please. And Robbie--I really like the CD overall (guess I'm one of the few), and I think it's a real shame that Take That are overtaking him in the UK (with some crappy by-the-numbers John Shanks production--Ashlee Simpson anyone?). Take That, the boy band he left because they were rubbish and treated him like shit. Maybe it's time to try America again. Everyone I play Lovelight for really likes it!

Here's to a better 07 for some of these people!

xolondon said...

I think we have a Team Robbie member.

Note that John Shanks has produced some good stuff, like the last Stevie Nicks album. Asslee is his transgression.

countpopula said...

OK, Shanks has done some OK stuff like Michelle Branch. I find it hard to forgive what he let Sheryl Crow come up with for Wildflower though. Talk about the sound of an artist sliding into boredom...