May 21, 2006

Jordan: One lucite heel in Brighton, one in London, and the world in between.

My roommate and I look at (read is pushing it) Heat magazine each week. This is like a British version of Us Weekly, though that rag didn't become what it is until Bonnie Fuller stole the whole concept from Heat. One of my favorite characters in Heat (oh, is she real?) is Jordan, the Glamour Model and National Slut of England. This chick never ceases to amaze with her crazy, camel-toed lurex outfits, balloon tits, and endless parade of ill-chosen lovers, many barely legal.

Jordan, ne Katie Price, is a starmaking combo of publicity/actual whore and Woman Who Makes Bad Choices. It's irresistible to a British public now bored with the less-than-lipsmacking antics of the Royals. I mean, how long ago was it that Prince Charles said he wanted to be Camilla P-B's tampon? C’mon Chuck, Harry and Wills: give us something to chew on!

Jordan is such a slut that she once broke the cherry of the 17 year old, stuttering runner-up of Pop Idol, Gareth Gates. She became hot pink with rage when lil Gaz discreetly denied the rumour of the affair, so she went to Heat with all the gory deets: how he came too quickly, how he tore his foreskin during their "lovemaking," how he...well, it sort of all stops with the torn foreskin, doesn't it?

My favorite Jordan story was when she dramatically announced she had cancer. ON. HER. FINGER.

Recently, Jordan's shtick has been to portray herself as a saintly, sacrificing mother to her sickly obese, blind, ADD-ridden son Harvey (whose father is apparently a horse-hung footballer – you can’t make this shit up). She has a new baby called Junior, with her Eurotrash fat dancer husband Peter Andre, an aging one-semi-hit-wonder she met on a reality show. But no one gives a shit about that baby.

This week XO's Middle Eight can exclusively reveal on this website Xolondon's shocking secret! He... I... love working out to Jordan's autotuned poptrash epic, "Not Just Anybody." The shame! The loss of all credibility! I swear on the grave of Paula Yates that this song is better than much of the pop pap put out these days (pardon my alliteration, bitches). I won't belabor the point; just listen for yourself and take note of the utter balls-out fabulous TV performance Jordan did for this song at like 8 months pregnant...

Jordan "Not Just Anybody" MP3
Jordan "Not Just Anybody"
You Tube video

A special bonus for all Heat readers stuck up there on the torn foreskin story:

Gareth Gates "Anyone Of Us" MP3

this post better score me megapoints with my British readers, because no one will ever believe me again when I wax rhapsodic on fucking Gillian Welch!


orange anubis said...

as your token brit reader this morning, i can confirm that every word of the above is shockingly, improbably true. also, respect.

Paul said...

can i join the token brit reader brigade. Heat is my 4th favourite magazine in the world, and no body does Katie Price/Jade?Big Brother coverage better... you are right to be ashamed to be working out to Jordan (best revelation? When Gareth "slipped" out of her lady area during said love making! Surely that says more about her than it does Gareth??!) though most mornings i jog up and down the stairs in our apartment to Samantha Janus "Message To My Heart" which is just the best slice of power pop Bellend Carlisle never recorded :) That and You Don't Have To Go Home by the Triplets...

xolondon said...

It's like that joke in the Prince song:

A woman asked her lover, "Why is your organ so small?"

He replied, "I didn't know I was playin' in a cathedral."