April 14, 2006
Memoirs of Xolondon, Chapter 1
As a child, I...
1) Enjoyed watering the patio. I am serious. I would go outside and proceed to hose down the patio. I think I liked watching the concrete go from light to dark. It would dry and I'd do it again.
2) Wanted to live and/or work in a Fotomat Booth. These were tiny enclosed huts in parking lots where you could drive up and drop off your film to be developed. They were big enough for one person, sort of like toll booths. I was - and am - obsessed with organizing small spaces to live in comfortably. I was the type that built forts out of sheets and cardtables...
3) Would imitate Sonny and Cher on my front lawn. What does a parent do with that? That (S&C) was my favorite TV show (I know, spare me the commentary), which I would always watch with a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Friends know that I can no longer stand chocolate ice cream, but I remain ever-faithful to Cher. Diss her and I will promptly crush your gonads and then run away in tears.
4) Would cry at the end of every episode of Lawrence Welk. That may be too obscure for most readers. He was a vaguely accented Polish bandleader who had a cheesy 70s variety show. They'd play waltzes and polkas, and women in dresses that looked like nightgowns would sing popular AM radio songs with pleasant orchestration. The closing song went, "Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you / Adios, au revoir..." This signaled bedtime, hence the tears.
5) Would steal candy from various spots my mom had hidden it. This behavior has impacted me to this day, as I have a serious sweet tooth. People hang out with me and gain weight because I'm like, "Hey, let's eat a cupcake! Have a donut now!" I also know where the best candy is throughout the world. In the UK, I love a Lion Bar and Italy has the amazing Big Frut.
That is me circa 1976, with Heather, my Scottie.