May 15, 2005

Review: Mariah flies like a bird, XO burns in hell

Dear God,

I have a secret I need to confess to You. At night I shut my bedroom door, put on my headphones and jam the fuck out to The Emancipation of Mimi by your fallen angel, Mariah Carey. This record is HOT, I LOVE it and it is a source of self-disgust. In fact, dear God, I'm in a shame SPIRAL. What is happening to me? Can I be deprogrammed?

I have always liked certain Mariah songs (Dreamlover, Honey and The Roof to name three), but found her image to be embarrassing. She is a craven attention-seeker, with a freaky mix of babygirl and hooker. Totally needy, yes? However, in keeping with my belief that one should focus on the music, not the artist, I gave this CD a chance when I got it for free. Mariah has gone old school and there are some major gems, including Stay The Night, We Belong together and Your Girl. Mine Again and Circles are not only classic Mariah ballads, but they're great throwbacks to late 70's /early 80's smooth soul. Really! The gospel finale Fly Like A Bird is genius. I'm so deeply messed up over this, dear Lord, that I can now tolerate the kitten-squealing notes.

On the otherwise decent I Wish You Knew she pipes in screaming lambs (fans in Mimispeak) and a spoken bit where she enunciates the word "situation" in the most homegirl way she possibly muster. In fact, it's only when she gets all ghetto-diva-hip-hop on 3 or 4 songs, with rappers like Nelly and Twista (whatever THAT is) that she becomes frightening. Please! You just KNOW she can't even be bothered to use stairs like a normal person. I bet she rides the elevator between floors of her ritzy all-cream duplex, wearing a tiny, bling-encrusted tanktop, mini skirt and platform lucite heels.

So please God, grant me serenity and give me the strength to resist the pure evil of chanting "it's like dat yo, it's like dat yo!" as I go about Your business.

Listen to
album samples
Look at cheesy photos on her

1 comment:

small squirrel said...

I'm right there with ya... dawg.
(see my post on this very subject)