Like any year in music, in 2006 someone had to have a bad day. Here are some artists who either offended me or just didn't move me like they should. Being a polite sort, I not only bring the problems to light, but also offer solutions!
Janet Jackson: Cancel your tour and have / adopt a baby from an African country. Wear cashmere sweaters with a shirt underneath. Release a double CD hits record next fall with 3 killer new tracks, two by Jam & Lewis and one by someone else worthy, but not another Jackson. Ban your little dog Jermaine from tinkering with your career. Sing about social issues and support Barack - that's Barack, not bareback! - in 2008. Come back after he wins.
Keane: Do not release Bad Dream. Release Frog Prince with two brilliant new b-sides, one being a cover of Ultravox's Reap The Wild Wind. Tour in the Spring to prove Tom is healthy and that you are not fighting, but do not spend a year touring an album that's only half good. Take a decent break and record a perfect new album - use a little bit of real guitar and some strings. Simple!
Scissor Sisters: Release Everybody Wants The Same Thing and give it some great remixes. Do proper video with Sophie Muller - one with no actors playing parts. Appear on Jo Whiley to sing a cover of Wanna Be Startin' Something. Do a few songs for the next CD using funny voices and dialog. Re-record / release Backwoods Discotheque.
Robbie Williams: Go away. For a long time. And not to LA. or London. And then come back in '08 with a ten song pop album, perhaps a full CD with Mark Ronson. Make sure it has some beats and some strings. Make sure it is not schizophrenic: no one knows who you are anymore, though I doubt you do either.
The Killers: Muzzle Brandon now, but first shave his beard. Force him, Clockwork Orange style, to view clips of a boastful Kanye West and then show him Powerpoint slides on Kanye's declining sales. Chill on the loud guitar and Americana Bruce-isms. Bring back the new wave. (Note: if you didn't like Sam's Town, this is the CD you want)